My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize