i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
