i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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