So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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