I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
