i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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