Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
