i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
