If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
