Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I am spending my child support on dildos
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
