Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
