Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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