I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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