If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
