Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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