So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Moan for me like Helen Keller
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
