so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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