Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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