do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
