she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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