Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize