My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize