the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
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