drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
