how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Randomize
