If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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