i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
