I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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