i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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