I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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