brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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