Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I smell stomach acid.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize