i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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