Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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