I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
