The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I want a musical about memes.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
