she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Sext me about skeletons
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
