So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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