i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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