I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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