his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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