i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
