Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Randomize
