woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
