I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
