What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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