He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
