what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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