sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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