So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I checked into jail on foursquare
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
