Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
