True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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