I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
