When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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