You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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