Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
