Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
So much rum. So many feels.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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