I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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