he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
