saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
