my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i just google imaged poop.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
